It was a Monday afternoon. I was at work and counting down the hours til Barry and I would put an offer on a beautiful 4 bedroom, 3.5 bath home in Speedway...just about a mile from our current home. We were in the middle of our two week wait after our second IUI and would be able to take a test in less than 48 hours! As much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but think,
"What if everything is working out?"
"What if we find out we are pregnant AND have a new home to move into?!"
I should have known better because less than 2 hours before I was heading home for the day, I knew our dream of starting a family wasn't happening this month.
To say I was devastated is an understatement.
I went numb.
I think I just stared at the wall in my office for who knows how long before sending my husband a message saying,
"I think I'm going to lose it."
After his sweet attempt to tell me it's too soon and we still have a chance... I replied,
After his sweet attempt to tell me it's too soon and we still have a chance... I replied,
"I just want to hide in a dark room and cry....I don't know how much of this I can handle."
We had discussed taking a break from fertility treatments if this cycle didn't work and I knew as I drove home that evening, with tears streaming down my face, that taking some time off was exactly what I needed.
I had a flood of emotions run into my head on the way home and my poor husband took the brunt of it. I tried to pull it together before pulling into the driveway, but the emotions were too intense. We had gone from dreaming about our beautiful loft master suite just the night before to me coming into our home an hour before we put an offer on a house and saying,
"Why are we buying this big house when we can't even fill the one we have now?"
I was upset. I was confused. I was hurting. It was the perfect storm of emotions coming down at the worse possible timing. We were getting ready to buy a beautiful new home- the home I dreamed we would raise our family in, yet here I was,
once again... not pregnant.
After Barry and I both admitted all of our fears and reservations about taking this leap of faith and moving into a larger home, we decided we wanted to continue with the process and now happily have an accepted offer and a FOR SALE sign in our yard :)
 |
| Shameless plug here :) |
So, where do we go from here?
What's our next step in the process of bringing us a little Baby Bear 2.0?
We honestly don't know. We hope and pray that a baby is in our future, but for the first time in my life, I'm starting to look at what life would look like without children. It's not what Barry and I want, but if it isn't in God's plans for us, he must have something pretty amazing waiting for us.
All we can do is trust in His plan.
Thank you for all the support, prayers, and kind words for Barry & I.
We are so very blessed!
I understand every single word of this post. It's like I was the one typing it. We went through the exact thing in February. We decided to build a home that was far too big for Derek and I in hopes of the IUI that we just had done would get us pregnant...it didn't. That was the 3rd and last IUI with our doctor in Springfield before I moved to Indy. We haven't seen a doctor, took meds, or used ovulation predictor kits since then. We have since then moved into our new home, which I love and I'm glad we went this route, but every time I walk into the spare bedrooms I imagine them being baby blue with toys everywhere. I wonder if that vision I have will ever come true. I try to show myself how fun life could be without children. How many trips we could take or how many "toys" Derek and I could have if we didn't have a child to pay for. Every Saturday we sleep in I try to tell myself that I should be happy I don't have a baby that is ruining my sleep patterns. Know that you're not in this alone. There are so many people praying that we have a chance to have the family of our dreams. I'm praying that you and Barry enjoy a month off.... its a blessing.
ReplyDelete