2013..The Good and The Bad :)

 

 I'm back! I'm about the worst blogger ever! I always love reading people's blogs and think, "I want to write one!" The only problem is that..
1. I'm not the best writer (I'm a math girl, never an English fan)
2. I have the attention span of a 2 year old. 

I feel like so much is changing in me emotionally and spiritually and a blog will be a great way to document this journey. 2013 was a year of amazing highs and some of the lowest I have ever experienced. Barry and I started experienced our first year of marriage! They say the first year is the hardest, and if that is true, we got this ;) I always love the beginning of a new year. I love reflecting at all the good (and bad) times and think about how one could grow from that and become an even better person than the previous year. We live a very blessed life. We do not worry about putting food on the table, heat in our home, or a roof over our head, yet 2013 was one of the most challenging years for us.
 

 

 As soon as we got married, we knew we wanted children. Both of us were very excited about starting a family and we decided to start "trying" right away. In my mind I was already planning out what the nursery will look like, where the crib would go, and imaging Barry holding our newborn baby. I was so excited and figured it would happen right away. I mean, I remember the health classes from high school through college teaching all about reproduction and the need to take every measure possible to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. I felt I had an advantage because I already understood so much about reproductive health that we would have a baby in late Summer/ early Fall 2013. After a couple months and nothing, I did some more research and started some new vitamins, temping daily, and using ovulation tests to increase our chances of conceiving...

 

And then seven months into our "TTC Journey" I was ecstatic to see a positive test the day after Mother's Day, May 17, 2013! We were over the moon excited! We only told some close family members and friends as I wanted to get through the first trimester before announcing our news to make sure everything was healthy. I knew my Mom had experienced a miscarriage before my oldest brother and after me, and I kept this thought in the back of my mind everyday. Sure enough, after a super fun (and sober) Race weekend, I started the process of miscarrying on May 31st at 7 weeks pregnant. It's hard to explain the feelings that one goes through during this process, but I immediately was in denial. I kept saying," This is normal. Everything will be okay."  I called my doctor and he stated to rest and we would check everything out on Monday (this was Friday evening). I kept reassuring myself, but knew everything wasn't fine. I became addicted to reading everything I could on every pregnancy blog out there. I don't think I slept but a wink that evening. The next morning we officially miscarried our "Baby Bear" as we had been referring to it. I had a long moment of just numbness that came over me as I sat in our backyard, in a chair on a beautiful Saturday June 1st morning,  just staring up at the sky. It wasn't real. I was angry, confused, upset, and yet almost at a weird sense of peace that our baby was were he/she was supposed to be. Every thought goes through your mind, such as, "What could I have done differently?" or "Why did this happen to ME?"  I was crying one second and then Barry would do something the next to make me laugh :) It was a constant up and down of emotions over the next several days and weeks.

 This week has been extra tough, even though I have accepted what has happened, I can't help but think that this is the week our baby boy/girl would have arrived in the world. January 19th, 2014 was our estimated due date. I still continue to receive emails weekly that are a constant reminder of what we lost last June (apparently unsubscribing isn't enough to get these to go away). I think about how differently our live would be if we were about to welcome our first child into the world any day now. I know I wouldn't have started my new job with NIFS, we wouldn't be attacking our debt, and our plans for 2014 would be dramatically different. I try and always look at the positive side of everything, which can be challenging in this situation. On the positive side, Barry and I are closer than ever before since going through this experience together. We now know we are not in control of our future and our plans. We will have our baby in God's time. In the mean time we are enjoying our time together as just a family of 2, well 3 with our Smokey boy.  Sleeping in on the weekends, staying out late on the weekends, and working out as much as we want will be a luxury that we will gladly accept when God blesses us with our baby. 2014 is going to be an amazing year for our family. We can't wait to see what this year entails for us! :) I will continue to update this blog on our TTC journey and everything life throws at us in 2014!