Facing your Fears: "Do one thing every day that scares you."- Eleanor Roosevelt

My earliest memory of my biggest fear was when I was 7 or 8 years old. I was playing in my backyard with one of my friends, Karlyn, and we were doing "under dogs" on the swing set. I had just run under the swing when Karlyn noticed I had cut my wrist and was bleeding. I hadn't noticed, until she said something. Immediately, my heart started to race, I turned white as a ghost, and my vision started to close in on me. I don't remember if I passed out or not, but the experience became a common theme anytime I saw blood or even heard people discussing an incident with blood. (Fun for me... not!)

If anyone has ever had anxiety or a huge fear, you probably understand where I'm coming from. From this point on, I did everything I could to avoid any situation facing blood, needles, etc. I can probably count the number of times this fear caused me to pass out on one hand, but each of those experiences builds on the other and makes the anxiety even worse. For example, one early morning during my sophomore year at Purdue University I had a Personal Training class. All I remember is my professor continually discussing blood and said something regarding "the blood POOLS in the muscles.." and I was out. I literally passed out, fell out of my desk, and woke up to the teacher screaming ,"Are you okay.. Sarah, are you okay?!?" Embarrassing.



I've managed to make it to 28 years old with only having to have my blood drawn one time until today. The first time went really well. A nurse came to our home to do a physical for life insurance so I was able to lay on our own couch while she performed the blood draw. I didn't pass out and had a relatively positive experience. I found out last week I would have to have my fasted blood drawn this morning. I was anxious, but knew I would have to put my big girl panties on and do it. (Ok, I might have looked like this guy.)

I drove up to the north side of Indy (about 30 minutes) to my appointment that was at 7:40am. Just a couple minutes in the waiting room and I was called back. I have never been this calm, EVER, at the doctor's office... especially knowing they are drawing my blood. I informed the nurse that I'm a "fainter" and she sat me in the chair that reclines. She propped my feet up, laid me back, and about a minute or two later was done! Wow! I did it! :)

I am so proud of myself for tackling this fear head on. This has literally caused me so much anxiety over the past 20 some years and today was the first day I feel like I'm in control. One of my goals in 2014 is to "Do one thing every day that scares you." Now that I've faced this fear, I feel there's nothing I can't do! :)

What are your biggest fears? What have you done to overcome them?

How have you conquered a huge fear in your life?

Third times a charm... Right?

They say good things happen in threes. The "rule of Three" is a writing principle that suggests things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, and more effective that other numbers of things.
This holds true in slogan "Go, fight, win!" or The Three Stooges.   

So, when my doctor prescribed us to three months of clomid in November to increase our changes of getting pregnant, I was very optimistic! I thought it was just that extra piece of the puzzle we needed to have the advantage. (Kinda like having the answers to the test before you even sit down and take the exam) I was anxious to start right away and followed Doctor's instructions to a "T", but Month 1 ended just like most before it, in disappointment and tears.

 Month 2- I was 100% convinced I was pregnant. I had every symptom in the book. I even told Barry, "I know I'm pregnant. I don't need a test to tell me!" I had thought for months that we would get pregnant before the end of the year, so of course December would be OUR MONTH! That month hit us in the stomach, like a punch that "knocks the wind out of you and you aren't sure if you are going to be able to get back up from" type of punch. I felt defeated.

 I didn't even want to take the clomid in January, but knew our doctor would ask and I wanted to make sure I could confidently say that we followed all instructions and it didn't work. Barry and I already started talking about our next step and didn't give this month much thought. I was starting to accept the fact that we need to see a specialist and get more answers... until the day "Aunt Flow" was supposed to show came and went without anything happening. All the sudden I had hope again. My thoughts raced, "Maybe I just needed the distraction and God was going to bless us with our baby and spare us the physical and emotional pain of seeing a fertility specialist." Each day that passed, my hope grew bigger and bigger. Even a negative pregnancy test ...(OK, three lol) couldn't bring me down from this new found hope, until Monday night...

 ...There she was. I immediately fell apart. My thoughts bounced from, "This can't be happening" to "Why me? Why us? We are good people that will raise this baby with all the love and care a baby could ever need or want!" I went from angry to sad and right back to angry all evening. I cried til I had nothing left.  My amazing husband, God bless him, just held me all night. We don't even have to say anything now, what can you say?

After having a couple of days to digest everything, today we made our next move and scheduled a consultation with a fertility specialist. This is a very scary step, but we are ready for the next step in our journey!

 Thanks for all the support, messages, and encouraging words :)



                                             

And a little TTC humor.. :)