Third times a charm... Right?

They say good things happen in threes. The "rule of Three" is a writing principle that suggests things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, and more effective that other numbers of things.
This holds true in slogan "Go, fight, win!" or The Three Stooges.   

So, when my doctor prescribed us to three months of clomid in November to increase our changes of getting pregnant, I was very optimistic! I thought it was just that extra piece of the puzzle we needed to have the advantage. (Kinda like having the answers to the test before you even sit down and take the exam) I was anxious to start right away and followed Doctor's instructions to a "T", but Month 1 ended just like most before it, in disappointment and tears.

 Month 2- I was 100% convinced I was pregnant. I had every symptom in the book. I even told Barry, "I know I'm pregnant. I don't need a test to tell me!" I had thought for months that we would get pregnant before the end of the year, so of course December would be OUR MONTH! That month hit us in the stomach, like a punch that "knocks the wind out of you and you aren't sure if you are going to be able to get back up from" type of punch. I felt defeated.

 I didn't even want to take the clomid in January, but knew our doctor would ask and I wanted to make sure I could confidently say that we followed all instructions and it didn't work. Barry and I already started talking about our next step and didn't give this month much thought. I was starting to accept the fact that we need to see a specialist and get more answers... until the day "Aunt Flow" was supposed to show came and went without anything happening. All the sudden I had hope again. My thoughts raced, "Maybe I just needed the distraction and God was going to bless us with our baby and spare us the physical and emotional pain of seeing a fertility specialist." Each day that passed, my hope grew bigger and bigger. Even a negative pregnancy test ...(OK, three lol) couldn't bring me down from this new found hope, until Monday night...

 ...There she was. I immediately fell apart. My thoughts bounced from, "This can't be happening" to "Why me? Why us? We are good people that will raise this baby with all the love and care a baby could ever need or want!" I went from angry to sad and right back to angry all evening. I cried til I had nothing left.  My amazing husband, God bless him, just held me all night. We don't even have to say anything now, what can you say?

After having a couple of days to digest everything, today we made our next move and scheduled a consultation with a fertility specialist. This is a very scary step, but we are ready for the next step in our journey!

 Thanks for all the support, messages, and encouraging words :)



                                             

And a little TTC humor.. :) 

2014. Debt, Advocare, Dogs, and Making a Baby :)

 

Most people begin the New Year celebrating with friends, excited about leaving a year in the past and ready for a fresh new beginning. It's a time of reflection, goals, and resolutions. It's a cleansing time, really, like an artist looking at a blank white canvas ready to paint with an array of colors and brushes. When you are so hopeful and can't help but feel like, "This is the month.. This is MY month" the let down never gets easier...

 

 I had already planned how I would tell Barry. I should know by December 30th so it was perfect timing. We would be at Dawson's with all our friends while I "pretended" to sip on champagne throughout the evening. I can picture being in the back room, dancing, singing, and laughing... just waiting for the countdown to begin. It would start "5,4,3, 2... "I'm pregnant!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"I pictured the look on his face and his excitement knowing how long we have hoped and prayed for this moment. 

Instead, we both struggled through the evening, trying to put a smile on our face, and enjoy the evening. We left an hour or so after midnight and drove home in silence. I knew he was hurting and as he knew I was, yet nothing either of us could say would make things better. We ended up in tears soon after walking into our house and just let it out. All the frustrations, anger, disappointment that was built up over the past 14 months finally came out.  We realized how much we tried to hide our feelings from each other in order to protect one another from hurting even more and vowed to keep our communication going strong. This journey will only continue to bring us closer as a couple and stronger in our marriage.  while we tried to continue to look on the positive side of things and keep looking ahead to a New Year. 

 

After our much needed talk on New Year's Eve we came up with many positive thoughts/ideas to focus on in 2014:

1. Debt. We never saw our debt as a problem or an issue. I always thought it was "normal" to have a mortgage, car payment, or student loans, yet since reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover we now have a better idea as to what we want our future to look like.  We have a high goal of paying off $60,000 this year, which include my student loans (Boiler Up!) and both of our vehicles. This enables us to sit down every week and discuss our progress while giving us a focus/distraction and will create a better future for our family. 

 

2.  Advocare. This gives me more time to build my Advocare business to the level I need to replace my full time salary. We are currently at the Silver level, but a Gold level would represent the option for me to become a work at home Mom which is something I believe I'm going to want very much. One of the things I love most is that I get to help so many people achieve better health, income, and see them grow into amazing leaders. 2014 is going to be an amazing year for our business.

 

3. Dogs. I warned Barry not long ago, "You either give me a baby or another dog!" LOL Smokey wasn't adjusting well to my new schedule since I started full-time with NIFS and we are thinking he needs a buddy! This is still in the very early stages of planning so please check back for updates on this decision. P.S. How cute is this?!

 

4. Baby making Plans: We are currently in the 3rd cycle of 50mg of Clomid. My doctor doesn't think anything is wrong with either one of us and thinks the Clomid will help give us the boost we need to conceive. We shall see!

                                                       

2013..The Good and The Bad :)

 

 I'm back! I'm about the worst blogger ever! I always love reading people's blogs and think, "I want to write one!" The only problem is that..
1. I'm not the best writer (I'm a math girl, never an English fan)
2. I have the attention span of a 2 year old. 

I feel like so much is changing in me emotionally and spiritually and a blog will be a great way to document this journey. 2013 was a year of amazing highs and some of the lowest I have ever experienced. Barry and I started experienced our first year of marriage! They say the first year is the hardest, and if that is true, we got this ;) I always love the beginning of a new year. I love reflecting at all the good (and bad) times and think about how one could grow from that and become an even better person than the previous year. We live a very blessed life. We do not worry about putting food on the table, heat in our home, or a roof over our head, yet 2013 was one of the most challenging years for us.
 

 

 As soon as we got married, we knew we wanted children. Both of us were very excited about starting a family and we decided to start "trying" right away. In my mind I was already planning out what the nursery will look like, where the crib would go, and imaging Barry holding our newborn baby. I was so excited and figured it would happen right away. I mean, I remember the health classes from high school through college teaching all about reproduction and the need to take every measure possible to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. I felt I had an advantage because I already understood so much about reproductive health that we would have a baby in late Summer/ early Fall 2013. After a couple months and nothing, I did some more research and started some new vitamins, temping daily, and using ovulation tests to increase our chances of conceiving...

 

And then seven months into our "TTC Journey" I was ecstatic to see a positive test the day after Mother's Day, May 17, 2013! We were over the moon excited! We only told some close family members and friends as I wanted to get through the first trimester before announcing our news to make sure everything was healthy. I knew my Mom had experienced a miscarriage before my oldest brother and after me, and I kept this thought in the back of my mind everyday. Sure enough, after a super fun (and sober) Race weekend, I started the process of miscarrying on May 31st at 7 weeks pregnant. It's hard to explain the feelings that one goes through during this process, but I immediately was in denial. I kept saying," This is normal. Everything will be okay."  I called my doctor and he stated to rest and we would check everything out on Monday (this was Friday evening). I kept reassuring myself, but knew everything wasn't fine. I became addicted to reading everything I could on every pregnancy blog out there. I don't think I slept but a wink that evening. The next morning we officially miscarried our "Baby Bear" as we had been referring to it. I had a long moment of just numbness that came over me as I sat in our backyard, in a chair on a beautiful Saturday June 1st morning,  just staring up at the sky. It wasn't real. I was angry, confused, upset, and yet almost at a weird sense of peace that our baby was were he/she was supposed to be. Every thought goes through your mind, such as, "What could I have done differently?" or "Why did this happen to ME?"  I was crying one second and then Barry would do something the next to make me laugh :) It was a constant up and down of emotions over the next several days and weeks.

 This week has been extra tough, even though I have accepted what has happened, I can't help but think that this is the week our baby boy/girl would have arrived in the world. January 19th, 2014 was our estimated due date. I still continue to receive emails weekly that are a constant reminder of what we lost last June (apparently unsubscribing isn't enough to get these to go away). I think about how differently our live would be if we were about to welcome our first child into the world any day now. I know I wouldn't have started my new job with NIFS, we wouldn't be attacking our debt, and our plans for 2014 would be dramatically different. I try and always look at the positive side of everything, which can be challenging in this situation. On the positive side, Barry and I are closer than ever before since going through this experience together. We now know we are not in control of our future and our plans. We will have our baby in God's time. In the mean time we are enjoying our time together as just a family of 2, well 3 with our Smokey boy.  Sleeping in on the weekends, staying out late on the weekends, and working out as much as we want will be a luxury that we will gladly accept when God blesses us with our baby. 2014 is going to be an amazing year for our family. We can't wait to see what this year entails for us! :) I will continue to update this blog on our TTC journey and everything life throws at us in 2014!